The church shouldn’t make you hate yourself. The church shouldn’t make you feel guilty for not feeling guilty. You shouldn’t tell little girls they’re chewed pieces of gum. You shouldn’t take children’s money to pay your bills. You shouldn’t require to take the poor’s money to build a shopping mall they will never afford to shop at. You shouldn’t have to pay 10% to get into the temple. You shouldn’t put my caffeine intake over my education. You shouldn’t make me feel ashamed and not apart of the group because my mother left my abusive father. I should have been encouraged to focus on my happiness instead of my need to find a husband. I should have been crying from the breakup not because no worthy man would marry someone so tainted. You shouldn’t hold teenage hormones to a higher standard than your prophet. A man who married children. Joseph Smith was in his 30s secretly married to teenagers. And their sisters. And even one of their mothers. Joseph Smith was married to a 14 year old less than 200 years ago, in a time where it was illegal and not “of it’s time.” Joseph was a pedophile and he founded a church that made me want to kill myself for touching the private parts of my same aged boyfriends.
Why was I trusted to be locked in a room with a grown man at the age of 7? I was horrified. I can’t remember any other time in my life I was alone with a man besides in this room. I didn’t have a father, this wasn’t normal for me. I was so intimidated. I was terrified he would say something mean. I was scared I wouldn’t know all the answers and would have to tell everyone I wasn’t worthy. I was a month shy of my 8th birthday and had to make a life changing decision. One I wouldn’t fully understand until I’m 22. If I chose wrong I would not only disappoint everyone around me, but would spend eternity in Hell.
I shouldn’t have told grown men details of my sex life. Details I wouldn’t even tell my closest friends. L stopped me in the hall and said X had just started his mission process so he knew what had happened and because of that I shouldn’t be expecting to go on the upcoming temple trip. He said he was free for the next half hour if I wanted to start my repentance. I was 17, caught off guard by the man who determined my worthiness in the eyes of God, and he already knew my secrets. I was mortified. I had already been shamed by my ex and now I was being asked the details by my YW president’s husband. I felt like I had a giant A on my chest every time I stepped into that building. He got praised for going on a mission while I tried to hide that I wasn’t taking sacrament. Everyone came to hear his farewell while I sat outside holding baby Andrew trying not to fall apart at the all the toxic memories that his voice brought back. I got in the car with him after church because that’s what good Mormon girls do, make men’s lives happy.
I was depressed, my schedule always busy and they wanted me to start my day at 4:45am. I hated it. I stopped going. I couldn’t do it. T shunned me. A 40 year old man stood in front of a class of my peers, in front of my sister, and called me an apostate that would fall away from God in misery. A 40 year old man who was called to show me God’s ways, would completely ignored me for 3 years. This man is the current Bishop who had an affair and told the woman she could be one of his wives in heaven. The church told him this is ok.
The church shouldn’t have a modern day purgatory, but they do. It’s called Rexburg Idaho. My mother is a convert. My mother trusted and respected us. I didn’t have rules or a keeper until I went to college. I didn’t feel embarrassed about my single mother until I went to the Lord’s school. My roommate said I was damned to hell because my parents were divorced. She accused me of stealing her prescription because I was from a “broken home.” I was invited on dates with her and her boyfriend so I could see what a healthy relationship looked like. She reported me because I offended her by kissing a boy on our couch who I wasn’t planning on dating. She sat on my bed in tears because I chose not to go to church when I had the stomach flu and she couldn’t feel the spirit. Then she called the RS president because she didn’t think I was worthy to be there. My last semester ended with me in counseling. The church shouldn’t put other students in charge of your education, but they do. The church shouldn’t abandon you in your time of need, but they did. They kicked me out of the Lord’s school because of a string of lies that started over a boy I had nothing to do with. They told me “the people are not the gospel” but that gospel is the thing that encouraged this. It literally wrote the rule book.
I thought I found the man I was going to marry so I made him happy. That’s what I was taught. I knew we weren’t going to be married in the temple because he wasn’t a member and since I would be his wife one day, what’s the point of waiting? That’s what I told myself after the night we got drunk on his brothers vodka and he ignored the terrified look on my face. Almost every other time he would have to talk me into it because I still wasn’t comfortable with what was going on. I’m not mad at him, I could have been more persistent, even though he wasn’t a priesthood holder he was still a man. And the church taught me I was here to make him happy. So I did. Until he left me. He left me in a church that now saw me as a chewed up piece of gum. A church that put my eternal worth on my virginity and that was gone. I cried for days. Then I realized I wasn’t crying because he had broken my heart, I was crying because no one would marry me now. I cried because I would have to tell every little embarrassing detail to Bishop F. A man who had been a close family friend since we joined the church when I was 4. A man I trusted and had inside jokes with. A man I was terrified to tell my secrets to because I didn’t want to disappoint him. But I did. And our whole relationship changed. He ignored me. Another man called of God, ignored me like a child because I disappointed him. The church told me the people aren’t the gospel, but the gospel told him I was a black hole.
The church was supposed to make me happy, but it wasn’t.
The church told me the only way to be happy was to be Mormon. So I moved to Utah. F never met with me after that first meeting so my repentance process tagged along with me. Which meant I had to go through the whole embarrassing process again. This time with a stranger. The church shouldn’t force young girls into closed rooms with men they don’t know to talk about their sex life. The church shouldn’t ask how many times I climaxed with and without birth control. The church shouldn’t ask if I enjoyed oral. But they did. They asked an intimidated 20 year old these things behind a closed door with a man she had never met before.
The church told me I was finally worthy of the temple again, but then I met my soulmate who reintroduced me to the Devil’s Flower and my recommend went up in smoke. Konnor casually started to show me where my tithing money went. I was livid. The church was supposed to help the poor, instead they bought news stations and built multi billion dollar shopping malls. Things started to fall apart and before I knew it, November 12, 2015 shattered my world. Up until this point I had put aside my differences with the church, but this was the last straw. The church said to love one another, until a child with gay parents wants to get baptized. Then he has to wait until legal age and then tell his parents he doesn’t support their love. That’s not the God I believe in. My shelf was barely holding together and in one announcement crumbled to pieces.
The church said I would be miserable after I denounced the church, but I’m not. I finally know what it was like to live my life without guilt. Which gave me the courage to accept the CES Letter.
The Church said it was true and couldn’t be proven wrong. But it wasn’t. And it was.
“i hate severus snape” i say. there are gasps. “bUT SnAPE WAs A GOOD!!!111!!1!” you cry. “HE LoVED LiLLY!!1!!” but i ignore you. i continue hating severus snape. you fall to the ground, clutching your chest in pain. i ignore you, continuing on my way, supporting healthy and happy relationships as i go
